Trip to AZ

Before I left for AZ I had to pack for everyone, plan the trip and what we would be doing, AND have the house perfect before we left. I stayed up until 3:00, no biggy, trying to get things ready. Then in the morning the little girls came home and all heck broke loose. All of the sudden everthing I did to get ready was undone. They were unpacking things, unfolding blankets, messing up their rooms, going through the food that was layed out, and in general creating a real problem.

We were planning on leaving at 9:00 after my daughter finished her math test. But we didn't actually get out of town until 12:00.  We finally got here at 12:30 a.m.  We had to stop about 6 times for the girls.  Between fights, moving seats, eating, fights, bathroom trips we added an additional 3 hours to our trip. 

I didn't have any trouble staying awake because it was like noon to me.  I actually had a very hard time going to sleep when we got here.

I can't believe how much the same it is.  Really.  I have been gone over 12 years and it still looks exactly the same.  I ran into a friend from high school the other day and even though he was a head taller and his hair is shorter he looks the same. 

 

I drove by all of the places we used to live and by all of my friends homes.  It took about 1 hour.  I didn't have any trouble and felt like I had never left.  I took my 9 year old daughter with me and she kept saying, "We are out in the middle of nowhere!"  We were if you didn't know who lived in the houses and what was over the next hill.  This is a very small town.  About 4,500 people if I remember right.

It's so weird.  It's like I never left but am here only in a dream.  I can't even explain the feelings I'm having here.  It is so weird!  I have nothing to compair it to.

I do know that I could never live here again.  Even though the houses are less expensive and I may have an easier time getting a job, I could never live here.  I don't know how I survived it the first time.

It is so windy here.  The two towns are called Eagar and Springervill.  The community is called Round Valley.  It is surrounded by mountains and the wind gets trapped and just goes in circles.  I don't know why I even bother fixing my hair in the mornings.  Even a ponytail gets ruined.

New Computer

It appears I need a new compter.  Problem?  Money.  Problem?  I need one right away.  My computer is almost out of memory and has several other problems that can't really be fixed without downloading more stuff.  Like Microsoft Office that I so conviently and accidently deleted!  Smart eh?  Well, there is no one in my house to really help me with the computer so I have made some fatal errors.  Give me a break.  I can't be smart and amazing about everything I do. 

I have a friend who could build one for me.  A regular computer for about $300 or a laptop for about $600.  Of course a laptop would be ideal but I don't know how I can ever afford one.  It all comes back to the fact that I have to find a job soon so I can afford to get the computer, and food, and clothes, and electricity, and all of that other stuff too.  Lame!  I hate money!

Posts

Since I'm not sleeping at night and since I am amazingly creative at night I should come down and write something interesting.  But, I'm trying to actually sleep. Not stay up.  If I were a writter and if I didn't have children at home I would totally stay up every night, become nocturnal, ignor the real world, go to midnight movies, enjoy the quiet, go to the store when no one is around, write my short stories and my novel and a screen play to go with it....this is sounding too good so I'll stop fantisizing. 

So, tonight while I am in my nocturnal mode I will come down and write somehing interesting.  Maybe now I have "cursed" myself and I will actually sleep.  That would be lovely!  Or maybe I won't have anything interesting to write about and I'll just babble.  No matter what it'll be fun to see the result.  Stay tuned.

Heroes

I started watching Heroes on my portable DVD player.  I get it from the library.  It is different than I thought it would be.  It is kinda bloody, but very interesting.  I like watching series.  I hate having to find new things to watch and read.  I hate that my finger still hurts and I can't type fast.  Typing with 6 fingers is very slow and hard on the imagination.

Finger

Yesterday as I was trying to get some things done I somehow managed to slam my finger in the garage door.  Not the outside one. The one to the house.  While opening the outside door the wind managed to suck the inside door closed on my finger.  I've determined that it isn't broken thank heavens, but it does hurt! Today I'm typing with one hand.  Slow!

So much for playing my flute today.  Of course that would first have required me to have had the time in the first place.  Today my x-husband is coming to "inspect" the house because he said I have "piles of clutter that seem to have been there for a while.  whatever!  I am slightly OCD and have never had piles of clutter.  Anyone who knows me knows that to be true.

My list of things I should be doing instead of writing in this crazy blog that no one really reads anyway is very long.  I hate having to have the house perfect all the time, even if that is how I like it.  My finger is going to make things really hard.  Oh, and the rain since I was going to work in the flower beds today.

Sleep...Lack of

Today I am so sad!  There are so many things I should be doing.  I have a list.  But, I can't even get going.  I hate days like today.  I did get up and shower.  I think the only reason I did that was because I had to take my daughter to the doctor and buy her some new shoes.

Have you seen that commercial that says "depression hurts"?  Well, it does!  It is a physical pain that cannot be overcome with Tylenol or even food!  Add to the fact that I am soooo depressed about my aweful life and the fact that I got all of 3 hours of restless sleep last night and only 2 the night before.  Today isn't a good day.  I am so sad!

So much for this site being cheerful and happy all the time.  Today I don't really care about much of anything.  I want to give up.  Maybe I will.  Even though I couldn't sleep, being in bed sound pretty good right now.  Actually, Ambien and a soft pillow and someone helping me with the house and the kids sounds pretty good to me.  Oblivian!  I would like that today.  Maybe everything wouldn't hurt so much.  Pain from the inside and the outside!  I am so sad!  I couldn't even have a pitty party right now.  It would take too much energy.

Fish

Yesterday we lost another guppy.  The really sad thing though is that we lost our pregnant Molly fish.  Now we won't have any new babies.  This is a picture of what our Molly looked like.  She was so cute and we were so excited to have some little baby fish swimming around.

I don't know why we can't keep fish alive.  I'm going to take the "bodies" to the pet store.  They said they could maybe tell us why the fish are dying.  We may have to go with the hartier gold fish.  The problem with them is that they grow to be huge!  I like the smaller fish.

Bury Me

I am not kidding!  Something needs to be done about my lack of sleep!  I just don't get it! 

If I die from lack of sleep I want to be buried by my big sister in Mt. Airy, NC.  If I go crazy...well, too late for that. 

Rain

Saturday we were helping a friend move. It started raining so my daughter and I went over to our house and got some tarps. We were putting them on and I noticed that people were ducking. I've noticed this before. It is sort of ridiculous if you think about it. Why duck from the rain? Do you think it will go away before it hits you? Do you think you can keep your hair dryer? It is just weird. I've even noticed myself doing it. Weird.  A friend of mine suggested that we duck to keep warm.  I guess you could consider that as a reason. 

Creative Writing

I always thought it would be cool to be a writer. There are several problems with my being a writer.

1) I cannot spell! I've tried and tried, but I always spell something so wrong that sometimes the spell check can't even come up with a suggested spelling.

2) I want everything to be done too fast. Writing requires not only a creative mind but the patience and knowledge to put down on paper what you have in your head and before the thought is gone. Going back and proofing is hard for me because I tend to write and then rewrite and then rewrite and then.... After all of that I wonder if the story I started out with is still in there somewhere. - I was reading a book once about writing a novel. The author said he wrote a novel and then rewrote it for another 5 years after that before he even turned it in to the editor! - I wrote something once about myself. I wrote it quickly so I could get all of the ideas passing through my head on the screen. I planned to review and rewrite it later. I wrote it about a year ago and came across it again last week. I can't believe I even wrote that! It is more like my 3rd grader writing than me. Talk about rewrite! I have to start over. I don't know if it's worth it.

3) Who would ever read anything I wrote? What would I write about? Who will I have to "report" to when I think something is done?

4) I have tons of ideas and loads of stories that would make for good reading. I just don't know how to write it so that the people on the outside of my head will get what picture I'm trying to paint. It is all so simple and clear in my head, but on the outside it is a completely different story. Also, I tend to wander.

5) I lose my train of thought and when I get an idea I start to write about it and then ... Poof! Gone!. Of course there is always the interruptions of the kids. I've been interrupted 3 times in the last 5 minutes.

6) Creativity can't be turned on and off. When it's flowing it has to flow. A dam. That's a writer’s block. The thought, like water, is on the other side of the dam you just can't find out where the crack is to let it start flowing again.

7) After reading other people's writing I feel just down right stupid and don't know how I could ever compair.  I do like reading about how to be a writer though.  I follow several writing blogs.  I like to dream I guess.  I don't really write.  I just ramble.

I've tried to write a novel. I have the best idea for a book! I shared the story with some of my friends and family and they all liked it too. But writing it is a different story. I can see it in my head but I can't create the image on paper. In my head I can hear the music that would be played if it was a movie. I can feel the breeze in the air and cold mist of the early morning. I can hear the car pulling up and the sound of footsteps. I can smell the smells of a track field. I can see the fog as the scene changes from one location to another as the thoughts of the characters change. But, to get someone else to participate in that is really hard.

Someday maybe I'll write something worth reading.

(I spell checked this before positng it and found 5 spelling errors!)

Looking Back

I was just looking back at some older posts.  Some of them are funny and some I wonder if I wrote on one of those days I hadn't slept very well.  Either way, it was fun to go back.  I have quite the opinion on things, for what it's worth.  So, if you get bored sometime take a walk back to December 2009 when I got the crazy idea to start this thing.

New Fish

Most of our fish died.  We found out that it was because we put too many fish in the tank at one time.  It threw the balance of the water off.  Now that things are stable we went and got two new fish.  There is a boy and a girl.  The guy at the pet store said we may have more little fish in a few weeks.  He recommended a pet store that will take the extra fish we don't want.  And of course we can feed some of them to the turtles.  Gross I know, but it will save on the cost of buying gold fish every week.  We also got another frog.  We put him in with the Beta.  I love frogs!!  I love fish!!  I got them for the kids right?  Well, turns out they are doing me more good than they are for the kids.

Dreams about my son

I’ve written about the wonderful dream of M&M's. Now the dreams about my son, who is now 18.

When he was a kids his father would lose him or he would get hurt or he would just ignore him. When he was 6 he had surgery on his back for scoliosis. He also has had his appendix out. (Funny story) He had his teeth worked on, his adenoids taken out, stitches, and a few more things.

Anyway, I have always had dreams about him that scare me. One time I had a dream that he was in a hot air balloon with his dad. At one point in the dream I was in the balloon too. (I am so afraid of heights and you would never catch me in one in real life.) Well, his dad turned around and let go of him and he fell out. I remember watching him fall with his hands reached up toward me and the look of sheer terror on his face. I also remember being on the ground seeing him fall out and then watching him as he fell trying to find a way to catch him. I still remember that dream as if it was yesterday and as if it was real. To this day it is one of my most worst nightmares.

Since then I have had several dreams similar where I have gotten out of bed and gone to check on him. I haven't had any dreams like these about my girls. It's weird. I don't know why but am glad I haven't.

Last night I had another bad dream. I wish I hadn't been alone when I woke up. It really scared me.

He had a problem with the people and game he was playing on the computer. I have been concerned about his computer addiction for a while. Anyway, he got really mad and went and got gasoline and dumped it all over the basement floor. I remember the look on his face. It was horrible.

There were several endings to this dream. One was that I was able to talk him out of dropping the match in his hand and as he broke down I got him out of the house.

Another was that the basement had become an office building and we were all in rooms around the hall and we didn't have windows. So we closed the sliding glass doors as the gas splashed against the glass. In that ending he lit the match and the gas was on fire and we were all trying to find a way out without catching on fire ourselves. I could see the look of terror on his face as he looked on.

The ending to the last part was that he threw the gas down the hall as I watched. As I was trying to keep him from dropping the lit match a friend of ours, a very close friend of mine, walked into the room and actually walked into the puddle of gas while he was talking with my son about the choice he was about it make. My son really looks up to my friend and I could tell he was totally listening and considering what was being said. He talked with my son and I for a while and when my son started to light the match again my friend grabbed my son around the waist and was able to get him up stairs where we put him in the car and took him to the hospital.

That was when I woke up. The pillow beside me went from being strong comforting arms to just a pillow. It was a long night as I laid there awake feeling alone and sad and worried. I didn't go check on my son this time, but I did cry for a very long time.

Shopping and Sleeping

Shopping I hate!  Becca has taken me shopping everyday this week for one thing or another.  I love spending time with her so that isn't so bad.  The best way to shop though is on-line!  Especially with Becca.  She can find stuff for cheap or free.  Anything!  She can even find things you didn't even know you would be looking for.  Like birthday gifts. 

I just updated my annual birthday list. Fun? NO! I like sending birthday cards and gifts. I don't like trying to remember when they are and what those people like. But, have no fear! Becca is here! She helped me find come great gifts on-line in less than 10 minutes!

The other best thing about on-line shopping is the impulse buying. There isn't any of this standing in line and grabbing something in the check out. You go on, get what you want, and go off. The other problem shopping outside of the house is getting a treat here and there. It's all adding up and I refuse to eat anything outside of my house for at least a week! I have even given up Cherry Pepsi! My favorite thing! Bring on the pancakes.


She is also WAY good at posting and selling things. She sold my treadmill in 10 minutes! She has sold several of her things too. She is good!

Holding Hands

To me holding hands is just about the most romantic thing people can do.  There is nothing like holding the hand of someone you love.  It makes you feel so safe and comfortable.  It isn't too much contact, just enough.  It is awesome!

Confusion

My entire life I have confused people with my moods and hard time making decisions.  The problem is that the people I confuse may not realize that I am even more confused on the inside than on the outside.  I'm so afraid of my feelings and what other people think of my feelings that I either keep them in or show too much out of stress.

Being single again is causing a lot of confusion right now.  On the one hand I don't want to get into another relationship because I'm afraid of being hurt.  On the other hand, I do not, I repeat do not, want to be alone.  Nor am I good at it.  On the other hand I want to be in a relationship just not too soon.  On the other hand, I want to be in a relationship soon because I don't like being alone.

Due to all of the probabilities I send mixed messages to those around me.  My divorce isn't actually all the way final yet.  This causes a completely new "on the other hand" problem.  That is part of what is killing me!  Killing me!  And not softly.  Killing me loud and clear.

For now, I know what I want on the inside.  I know it 100%.  The problem is that I don't want those around me who may not realize that I know what I want to misunderstand the mixed signals I'm sure I'm sending.  Therefore, the real question is how much do I keep in and how much do I let out or do I just keep letting some out, taking it away, letting it out, taking it away?

See?  I am confusing!  At least this time I know for sure what I want even though I can't show all of it.  Time.  It will just take time.  I think.  I hope.

What a mess!!!!!!!!

BTW: The Three Faces of Eve is an awesome movie!

Dreams

When I was pregnant with my first child, now 18, I had dreams of Peanut M&M's. I dreamt several times of being in a large room filled to the brim with M&M's. It was awesome! There were these white padded walls like you see in a movie when they put someone in solitary confinement because they are crazy. Of course I was in white too or else it would detract from the beautiful colors of the M&M's. I was sitting in the middle. It could be compared to sitting in the middle of one of those ball pits they have for children. I would eat them one at a time very slowly. Savoring every flavor. Yum!

I've heard of people having cravings, but that is one I haven't heard of. My mom really did crave pickles and ice cream. I never had any craving with my other children. Once someone said that you crave things that have the nutrients of something your body need to sustain the pregnancy. I had a friend that craved rocks! No kidding! She would suck on them all the time. Turned out after a blood test that she was lacking in magnesium (or something like that). Anyway, after they gave her some extra vitamins she was fine.

I guess I was lacking in peanuts covered in chocolate and a hard crunchy shell. Green is my favorite, of course. That was one dream I hated waking up from. The funny thing is that Peanut M&M's have always been one of my favorite treats. After those dreams, yes I had it many times, I consider Peanut M&M's a sacred candy and can't bring myself to eat them very often. So now I opt for Mr. Goodbar. It's almost the same I guess...not!

Did you know you can buy M&M's on Ebay?

M&M's