Confusion

My entire life I have confused people with my moods and hard time making decisions.  The problem is that the people I confuse may not realize that I am even more confused on the inside than on the outside.  I'm so afraid of my feelings and what other people think of my feelings that I either keep them in or show too much out of stress.

Being single again is causing a lot of confusion right now.  On the one hand I don't want to get into another relationship because I'm afraid of being hurt.  On the other hand, I do not, I repeat do not, want to be alone.  Nor am I good at it.  On the other hand I want to be in a relationship just not too soon.  On the other hand, I want to be in a relationship soon because I don't like being alone.

Due to all of the probabilities I send mixed messages to those around me.  My divorce isn't actually all the way final yet.  This causes a completely new "on the other hand" problem.  That is part of what is killing me!  Killing me!  And not softly.  Killing me loud and clear.

For now, I know what I want on the inside.  I know it 100%.  The problem is that I don't want those around me who may not realize that I know what I want to misunderstand the mixed signals I'm sure I'm sending.  Therefore, the real question is how much do I keep in and how much do I let out or do I just keep letting some out, taking it away, letting it out, taking it away?

See?  I am confusing!  At least this time I know for sure what I want even though I can't show all of it.  Time.  It will just take time.  I think.  I hope.

What a mess!!!!!!!!

BTW: The Three Faces of Eve is an awesome movie!